As a person who loved alcohol for as long and hard as I did, I can hardly believe I’m writing these words. I couldn’t imagine giving up booze, let alone despising it. And I know it’s important to respect other people’s choices, not be judgmental, let people enjoy things. But all that said…it’s time to stop sugarcoating it. I f*cking HATE drinking and everything about it. Why? Let us count the ways.
Drinking is Boring
Alcohol being the gateway to fun and excitement is a common misconception. People think “wild nights” happen because of alcohol, but they really happen because alcohol blurs boundaries and emboldens people to take risks that they wouldn’t usually take. Excitement is available without alcohol! You just have to be kind of a badass. Which is kind of a tall order for most people. Which brings us to…
Drinking is Basic
Bar crawls, keg stands, beer pong, oh why? Why do people hate on pumpkin spice lattes, Abercrombie, and flip-flops but not the end-all be-all of basic, drinking? Getting bombed is so expected, so devoid of imagination, so automatic. It’s more or less the same thing every time, in terms of effects and regrets. This favorite pastime of artists and writers is also beloved by fratboys, corporate drones, and the perpetually uninspired. In other words, it’s not special. It’s way more ubiquitous than Starbucks, too, so if you like being basic, bottoms up!
Drinking is Nasty
People love to commiserate about hangovers, but when was the last time your co-worker opened up about what else their “crazy weekend” included: indigestion, flatulence, diarrhea, chain smoking, bad breath, barf, bloat, eye bags, and worse? The ugly side of drinking doesn’t take long to materialize, and no one talks about these compromised bodily functions when describing their sexy night out. But if you’re drunk, it’s not all clinking glasses and mirth. You’re eating greasy food and farting all night at BEST. At worst? Your bathroom in the morning looks like Trainspotting and you smell like a petting zoo for reasons you can’t immediately, or ever, recall. :(
Drinking is Scary
Drinking impairs our ability to make sound decisions and safeguard ourselves from dangerous situations. In addition to drunk driving, there are many other behaviors that go lesser-noticed, like being at weird parties for too long, walking home alone, taking rides from people we don’t know, and generally being sitting ducks for all manner of unsavory advances. Also, alcohol makes you more prone to violence and belligerence too. And nobody wants a mean, scary, potentially violent drunk.
Drinking is Poison
It’s literally poison: a toxic, carcinogenic substance. The drunker you are, the more poisoned you are. It’s not a material that the body can handle, and that’s why you can die from too much. Not to be an alarmist, but… it’s crazy that as a society we treat it as something highbrow, sophisticated, even creativity-boosting. It’s just toxic!
Drinking is Sad
And I’m not (just) being judgmental: drinking is a depressant that may lift our spirits for a spell, but ultimately, chemically, brings us down. No matter what. We’ve all had a shameover: regretting all the things we said and did after a night that started off cheery, confident, boisterous, and then somehow ended in tears for no good reason. Are you really depressed, or do you just drink too much? Either way, the two work hand in hand delivering soul-crushing sadness, and that’s on science.
Drinking is Unsexy
Drinking is hailed as a social lubricant and the perfect way to get the juices flowing on a date. But what about drunk sex is sexy, really? Is it the increased possibility of not being able to perform, the forcing of chemistry when there really is none, the likely bypassing of protection/contraction of STDs or pregnancy, the walk of shame past a stranger’s roommate the next morning, or the lifetime of regret that you let that person see you naked? Maybe a combo? We’ll wait…